The Unasked & Unsaid: Inheriting the Weight of Love

I have been brooding over this one for a while now, struggling to find the right words— words that don’t shy away from the stories that sting, the feelings that make me uncomfortable. For weeks a whirlwind of questions has been chaotically circling my brain: Why do parents have children they don’t deserve? Why bring a child into the world if you can’t—or won’t—take care of them? And why do so many of these parents turn around and demand care from the very children they dismissed, as if shelter and food alone absolve them of everything else? I never knew parenting was just a barter system- and if it is just an exchange, why not call it what it is and hire caretakers instead?

I know how that sounds—harsh, ungrateful even. But these questions don’t go away. They creep into the quiet moments, where they meet voices of several people I’ve spoken to. “Why can’t I express myself openly?” “Why does it feel easier to let things go than risk creating conflict?” “Why do I hold back in relationships or struggle to understand my own feelings?” These aren’t random mysteries—and they often lead to the same place: childhood.

It’s never simple to think or talk about it, though. When we talk about parents, the narrative always starts the same— how their caregivers were loving, supportive, gave them everything they needed and yet, I feel like I strike a nerve every time I ask someone how their parents responded to their emotions. I can feel the hesitation, the lowering of their voice, a brief flicker of something unspoken, an attempt to understand or even explain to themselves- “They did the best they could.”

For so many, there’s a painful truth buried under all that gratitude: our emotions were just another inconvenience. The reality of how our caregivers reacted to them remains a chaotic knot of hurt, guilt, insecurity, and fear. Feelings were treated as something that did not deserve space or exploration- something that was ‘so small’ and something to just ‘forget’ or ‘let go’ of. Instead of validation and guidance, our emotional experiences were met with dismissal, evasion, or sometimes even defensive anger and silence. We learned to swallow our tears, to carry our fears alone, and to believe that asking for more was wrong.

Their silence became our lesson: A heavy, suffocating lesson that taught us to manage not only our own feelings but theirs too—the ones they couldn’t bear to face. That silence wasn’t neutral. It was a code, telling us that emotions were something to be minimized and ignored.

Yes, maybe it ‘wasn’t that bad’ and maybe they really ‘did everything they could’- but that really isn’t the question is it. You can provide everything, but that doesn’t mean you’ve provided enough. Keeping that in mind, the real question is if it was enough for you. Not in comparison to others, not reduced to material comforts—but for you, was it enough? Did you have someone to turn to, someone who could hold your tears without impatience, your fears without dismissal? Someone you could cry, talk, and express yourself openly to?

If growing up felt like balancing act, navigating our emotions can feel tricky, confusing, and perhaps even shameful or ungrateful. They loved us but never really said it. They showed up in some ways but left us wanting in others. Maybe they didn’t know how to show love, or maybe no one ever showed them. Maybe they carried their own unhealed wounds. Maybe this. Maybe that. So many maybes, each one leaving more questions than answers.

Despite every possible, perhaps valid, reason out there, there’s something I need you to hear: it’s okay to feel hurt. To feel disappointed. To feel anger even if you love them. You are allowed to expect more from the people who were supposed to protect you, even if they had their reasons.

Loving and respecting your parents does not mean you can’t still acknowledge that some parts of you went unseen, unheard, or unheld. Unfortunately, ignoring or rationalising your feelings does not make them disappear.

Love is not about swallowing yourself whole for someone else’s comfort. It’s about compromise not sacrifice. It’s about being seen in all your complexity. It should never demand that you disappear. And you deserve that, even if you’ve not known it yet....